So my Butch (yes I will come up with a nickname for her besides Babe) and I were talking about a couple of my friends who were a bit hard to define. I of course thought it was just me, that my gaydar was off, but no – she agreed with me. (Good butches do that you know. Just sayin’.) But then she said something that got me to thinking, and I will probably continue to think on this a bit. But still, I wanted to share.
She said that maybe their gender identity was one thing – but their sexual preference didn’t match. Of course that’s me thinking in the binary again – that they must match. And of course they could both be bi. Or just two people who met each other and really liked each other despite their normal sexual preferences (see pansexual in the dictionary). But as she said it this little light bulb went on. Gender is not necessarily part of sexual orientation.
I guess it just made me think about how I (I won’t say we, because you might be all enlightened where I am not.) tend to think – you look like a dyke/boi/butch then you must like girls. Because your bio gender is female. And I make it all nice and neatly packaged yet again. And if you’re bio gender is male – and you look like you flame (I need to come up with a better word that doesn’t sound – derogatory – but of course I mean it in a very good way!) then you like boys. I mean this is the way the world works right? Right? Ugh. I just stepped into that neat trap we always complain about. You know, the one where people look at the outside and stereotype us (by this us I mean to include anyone who falls outside the norm and feels like they are a part of the LGBT community).
But then I think – well if we don’t take some of that for granted – we won’t know who else is “like” us. I mean if I walk into a room full of women and I want to find one who will maybe go out on a date with me, I have no choice but to judge by the outward appearance. Of course then I would try to move in and get to know this target. That I am totally not stalking! But still, it’s the outward signs that lead me her. We rely on gaydar to lead us to people we could be interested in. I know I do it all the time – especially since I’m on the bus. I use clothes, stance, hairstyle, anything outward – to tell me if they’re gay or straight. Not because it really matters but if I see someone I might be interested in – I subconsciously play the game.
Now being pansexual it is a little different. I might even look at someone who sparks an interest. In fact I work at it, as a way of testing my “orientation” if you will. I’ve actually found an individual interesting and made a study of them. But at no time could I figure out if they were male or female. They were dressed in such an androgynous fashion, with a short hair cut and no outward signs. It could have gone either way. And I still would have gotten to know them.
But I still fall in that trap. Hey, wow, she looks like a dyke. What, you mean she’s married – to a bio male? How the heck does that happen? I act like it matters. I assume that someone’s gender (bio or choice) guides their sexual orientation. This goes back to the recent conversation of a transman being allowed to be “butch”. (First off no one has to be allowed to be anything – a group telling someone they can’t is the same as that group telling us WE can’t.)
There are so many pieces to the puzzle that make us up – and I still often get caught in the binary trap. A person is male or female. They are gay or straight. They are butch or femme. They are top or bottom. Even when we accept that someone is bio male but inside female – we still close the trap and say well bio male – feeling female, that means she likes guys right? It is just so complicated. And I am going to keep fighting to see things and not be so cut and dried. I have a friend (bio male) who has now found HERSELF – but orientation wise? She always has liked girls. Okay then.
So watch out for the traps that our minds, our cultures, lay for us. I know I’m going to be watching out for them. And it’s okay to be a bio female and feel like a guy, but also like guys. Or girls. It’s okay to be a bio girl and a butch – and still wear lip gloss or eyeliner. It’s okay to question everything. And change. Just BE yourself and fuck everyone else. Okay stepping off that soapbox but really. YOU determine who you are by listening to what’s inside you, by being part of a community that talks about these things without defining YOU against your will. Be you. Be the best you you can be!